Thats what I Want

i was never a baby holder when i was young- you know, the girl who spots a baby and has to hold it. i was really fine if i never even got to touch one. i think people could tell and they didn't give me their babies that often. at one point i might have decided that in order to be popular i would have to start to like and fawn over babies, but after a few tries i gave that up- wasn't me (not that i didn't do many other superficial and disingenuous things in that pursuit, but.)
but then, when i was about 23, all that changed. it started as an interest in those "little people" that i hadn't ever experienced before. all of the sudden, babies were cute. i still didnt want to touch them, but i could start telling them apart. and appreciating their beauty- i would smile at a beaming mom and honestly say, cute baby. it was so new- i finally felt like one of the club.
and once i was in that club, i was not going back. in fact, it didn't take long before i had a real desire to hold any baby i saw. babies of friends, of people who i didnt know. my hands would get warm and reach out for the writhing little fellas. i'd be counting the seconds til i could hold that baby. oh, you feel so good holdin' a baby!- you get all warm and gushy as a hormonal rush hits and you can smell their little baby heads. my mom has a friend who says that the smell of a baby is contagious- he warns against smelling them unless you plan on having one.
and plan on having one i did! baby holding is pretty much a gateway drug. you keep coming back for more. but its not long before you start following pregnant women around the store and buying way too many maternity- looking clothes for yourself, which, yes, they are in style now but if youre imagining how cute all your clothes will fit once you're pregnant-you've got a problem.
it's a downward spiral. pretty soon i was in all out desperate "someone put an effin' baby in me, stat" mode. of course, there was a major part of the equation that i was paying little attention to- thats right, the baby-maker. no, not god, though i would have her baby. the guy, silly! i begrudgingly began my quest to find someone suitable, but came back empty-handed.
and thats how i passed the last 5 or 6 years- in a hormone- induced baby frenzy, looking for babies and the right man to feed my habit. i figured i would just live out my life that way, or at least my thirties. but the strangest thing has begun to happen: my baby yearning is slacking. if it were on a graph, you would see a sharp decline over the last six months. recently, it all but drops off.
and it's being replaced by something else: i used to want a baby. now, i just want money. yep, thats right- no more warm soft baby- i want cold hard cash. i want a little money- baby that i can cuddle and rock to sleep at night. a little lamb of benjamins.
and i want a car, and a big big crib- the kind on mtv, and designer high- heels and hair extensions- i want the whole lot. i dont know where all this came from- outta left field and i'm sure freud would have an interesting and inaccurate view of what it springs from. my friend, dirty joe said, in his wizened country drawl, in between puffs off a top cigarette, "aww, waneeta, don't go chasin' false idols," and i appreciate his advice, but how the hell am i gonna get rich with friends who have names like dirty joe anyway.
all i know is that i finally kicked the baby habit. stopped smokin that baby- crack. sure, i might be on money-methadone, but i feel like i'm making progress.
actually, i really do feel like a veil was lifted and i've got a new lease on life. what the hell was i doing to myself all those years, anyway? i can remember a conversation i was having with a friend about a year ago- we were talking about guys and he said, 'you know, as a gay man i don't really have that whole married with kids thing to fall back on in my life- i dont have that plan' like he wished he did, but i could feel some of my future-reality fabric tearing away because when he said that, all i thought was that his future was wide open. like he didn't just have to stop when he hit up to this wall of a conventional idea- he could do whatever he wanted.
that's how i'm feeling right now- instead of the intense fear of not having children that i've lived under for this long, i can just let the baby thing go and see what all the other exciting possibilities are. will i be a british secret agent? the 186th woman to fly a plane around the world?
a great single girlfriend of mine was miserating the other night about how she'll be lonely forever when all she wants is a husband and kids. i thought, girl, dont waste your time with any idiot that comes along- go out and find what it is that you want to do- it's ok to be totally empowered in thinking just about yourself. don't put a limit on what you can do using society's rules- make your own!
so in a way, i'm giving the middle finger to the domestic bliss myth that i think has a lot of gals like me feeling down about their situations. a friend of mine who has a kid said to me, when we were talking about how people tend fall in love with the idea of someone else and not the reality, that having children is like that, too- that there is a whole romantic story about it, but when you actually have one, it's a helluva lot of work- work that doesn't let up for eighteen years. and i know that eventually i would still like to do it, but right now- i ain't goin' out like that.
i still want a beamer and a mink coat, though. just kidding! i'd rather go naked(than wear fur)!